"Get away from me," I said with a little shove for good measure. Of course, I pretended I was kidding—a smile plastered on my face as I tried to walk away as fast as I could.
But the man at the door wouldn't have it.
"Come on now. We don't let anyone come into church without giving them a big hug."
I was the guest speaker for the Sunday Service and definitely didn't want a hug from him, or anyone.
"No, thank you," I said, keeping that same fake smile as I scanned the crowd for the minister who had invited me.
"I insist," he said. Being about a foot taller than me and weighing over 100 pounds more, he had the physical upper hand. He grabbed my arm, swung me around, and pulled me into what he called a “bear hug.”
"See, isn't that better?" he said, grinning.
I smiled back and hurried to the front to find that darn minister.
There are a few things wrong with this picture:
1. No one should be forced to hug anyone
2. Hugging as a requirement to enter a space? Not okay.
3. Some nervous systems have a hard time with physical touch
4. Ignoring my clear "no" violated my boundaries
I'm sure I could come up with several more reasons why this exchange was not cool; yet, there's one that I must also confess.
For most of my life, I wasn't a hugger.
Even if I loved you. Even if I cared. I just didn't hug.
I grew up in a non-hugging family. My parents didn't hug. My sisters never hugged. We just didn't hug. Cousins. Aunts. Uncles. Grandparents. No hugging. We'd just say goodbye, and that was that.
I kept up the "non-hugging" even after I moved away and left all of them behind. (You know how you think everything will change if you leave your surroundings? Yep, me too. But that's quite how that works. More on that in a future email. )
I had even read the now-classic book, "Living, Loving, and Learning," by author Leo Buscaglia, who believed that we need "5 hugs to survive, 8 to maintain, and 12 to thrive" per day.
And still… most years, I barely hit the minimum.
I could blame my family, the trauma I experienced growing up, or my highly sensitive nature. Probably all those things contributed to my ‘I-don't-hug’ approach to life.
But my no-hugging habit cost me. It kept me from reaching out, being filled up with connection, and left me lonely, even when surrounded by people.
But here’s the thing I never admitted to anyone: I wanted to be a hugger.
I wanted to feel the ease of melting into someone’s arms and letting my guard down, even if just for a moment.
But my body had other plans.
See, the nervous system doesn’t respond to shoulds. It responds to safety.
Even when I wanted to hug, my body tensed. My breath shortened. My smile felt forced.
I didn’t feel safe—not with others, not even with myself. I didn’t know how to trust or whom to trust.
Plus, even though I was dying to figure out this hugging thing, hugging felt too intimate. Too personal. It was scary to open your arms, expose your chest, and allow yourself to be supported.
Because receiving support without earning it was a strange and foreign concept to me. And even then, support didn't include a hug or two.
It wasn’t a single moment that turned me into a hugger.
It was a slow, gentle unwinding. One safe person. One warm embrace. One permission slip at a time.
And most of all, a willingness to try—even when my skin was itching and my throat felt like it was closing up. (Yes, a hug can feel that scary when your body isn’t used to them.)
It took time, but the more I hugged, the more I relaxed, released, and let go. The more I trusted myself. The more I could discern what was mine and what was someone else's.
Neuroscience now confirms what Leo Buscaglia knew in his bones:
Safe touch—especially hugging—can help regulate our nervous system, increase oxytocin, and foster calmness and connection.
Hugging changed me.
(Be sure to read the PS to find out how my television show, Starting Over, impacted my hugging ability.)
So, if you’re not (yet) a hugger, hear me now: there’s nothing wrong with you. It's normal to be wary if you haven't been a hugger before.
And if you are, don’t assume everyone else is.
Connection can come in many forms—sometimes eye contact, sometimes a gentle hand to the heart, sometimes just a “thank you for being here.”
So today, I’m not going to tell you to give twelve hugs. (That would be awesome though 😀)
I invite you to practice being a safe and loving presence to yourself or someone you care about.
Even if you’re not touching skin to skin, your soul still gets the message:
You matter. You belong. You're loved.
And if you'd like to practice receiving some hugs… (I could use the practice, too!) I’ll be teaching for the first time since the pandemic—live and in-person—at Kripalu in Massachusetts, two hours west of Boston, over Labor Day weekend.
We’ll arrive Friday, August 29, and spend the weekend together until Monday morning, September 1.
If gathering in-person sounds good to you, I know it does me, meet me there.
If you've never experienced the work of Fearless Living LIVE, oh, you're in for a treat—teaching LIVE is my superpower!—Join me.
And hugs will be optional. 😀
I love you to the moon and back,
xoRhonda
PS. Becoming a hugger has had huge repercussions in my life. My relationships deepened. My confidence grew. Even my career expanded in ways I never expected.
When I was filming the Emmy Award-winning reality show Starting Over, I became known as the Hugging Queen.
People would stop me on the street, in grocery stores, outside restaurants—asking for a hug. And I gave it. Willingly. Every time.
But it didn’t start there. It started with a shift. A softening. A willingness to receive.
That's where Love Notes from Rhonda come in.
If your heart would benefit from more love right now, I’d love to gift you 7 days of Love Notes from Rhonda.
They’re short, soulful messages filled with compassion, encouragement, and grace meant to help you feel seen, supported, and loved… just as you are.
(Hugs not required. But listening might just open you up to one. 😉)
👉 Click here to get your 7-day free subscription »
Rhonda Britten – Emmy Award-winner, repeat Oprah guest – has changed lives in over 600 episodes of reality television, is the author of four bestsellers, including her seminal work, “Fearless Living,” (translated in 12 languages) and is the Founder of the Fearless Living Institute, home of the Ivy League of Life Coaching Training.
Named “America’s Favorite Life Coach,” she brings the neuroscience of fear down to earth, giving you a path out of “not being good enough” using the “Wheels” methodology she developed that saved her own life.
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